The PINK Commander!!

What's a blog?

2007-09-12T14:21:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, I forgot.

So I took my first Physical Geography test today. I don't know how I did yet. What I do know:

One who does not study and comes to school high (not high school) cannot honestly expect to make a good grade.

I had a conversation with a classmate after the test. She was seriously angry at the professor for not telling us what was going to be on the test. She was angry with him because she did poorly on the test. I have to admit that there were some things on the test that he didn't cover in class, but they were in the book (yeah, the textbook, you know, the one he told us to READ).

I've been thinking about trying to be involved in this girl's life. She is just screaming out for someone to love her. I'm not very good at this missional living thing. When she was complaining about the test I said, "Smoking pot tends to be somewhat detrimental to one's college career." Think that won her over?

PRAISE GOD!!!

2007-04-30T00:15:00.000-05:00

He's back in the U.S.

UPDATE!!
He's in the backyard playing with the kids!

I love that guy!!

2007-04-18T15:56:00.000-05:00

These are the latest addition to my decor. Daddyman sent them to me as a get well soon/I love you gift! It's pretty amazing how happy they make me feel today.

This war ends when we die, right?

2007-04-10T20:28:00.000-05:00

Once in a while (sometimes once a week, then there will be a long break of maybe a month or six weeks), Little Girl throws an enormous fit. Kicking, screaming, shrieking, "I hate you" at the top of her lungs. Completely irrational and always about control. She wants to be in control. Sometimes I can't blame her. I would go crazy if I didn't have control of my own life. What I eat, wear, watch, etc. In the middle of the kicking and screaming, I try to calm her down so I can talk to her about what is going on. It's the usual, "I don't like you because you won't let me..." blah blah blah. I explain the usual, "I am the mommy, I know what is best for you, I am the boss, I am in control..." blah blah blah. And the screaming began again. She doesn't want me to be the boss or in control. By this time in every battle I feel that anything I do is futile. My nerves are shot and my patience flies out the window. It is an uphill battle that I feel I will never win and sometimes I just want to give up and quit fighting. The other day, after the latest battle of the war that ends when we die, I realized that I am her. When I was recounting this particular battle to a friend at a party I just started (almost screaming) telling her about how frustrating it was. And then, out of that place we like to call Nowhere, came a realization. I was saying out loud to my friend, "It doesn't matter if she wants me to be in control, I AM! I just AM." There is nothing to be done about this. I am the boss, I am in control. I am. As I was saying these words, it struck me, this is God's fight with me. Again, I am reminded that my relationship with my children is sometimes a freakish reflection of God's relationship with me. He IS. He continues to be patient with me and is constantly waiting for me to stop screaming and throwing a fit so I can hear Him. If I would just shut up and listen life could be so much easier, or at least more joyful. That's not to say that God never brings/allows hardship, but when you are suffering for the Lord you can still have His joy. When you are suffering because of your own selfishness there is no real joy. Sometimes I know I'm trying to run my life without any consideration of what God wants for me or what His plan might be. Usually, when I am doing that I will eventually hand over the reins. He has never let me down. I had not realized that I am trying to control my life without Him. I had not felt the conviction until now. Every time I decide to "let go and let God," He is faithful to me. Lately I've been feeling very impatient. I don't know when Daddyman is coming home. I don't know what kind of job he'll have. I don't know if we will be able to buy a car. I don't know where our kids are going to school next year. I don't know if Daddyman will be deployed again next year. I don't even know when I'll get to talk to him again. What I do know is that He is faithful and I need to stop worrying. When we had the "stations" at church on Sunday there was one for us to write down a way that we thought God did not meet our expectations in some way (it is possible that I did not entirely understand the meaning or instructions at that station). I stood there. I thought about my life in its current state and past circumstances. I could not and still cannot think of a time when God did not meet my expectations. He has proven Himself to me again and again and still I worry. I don't know how to stop worrying about things. I also don't know how to stop being angry about things that I don't want to be angry about. But, I do know how to pray and I do know that God is faithful and He will come through for me again. Please, take my will and form it to yours oh Lord.

It is a struggle for me to see the difference sometimes between conviction and guilt...

2007-04-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

In the same way that people learn differently (books, auditory, conceptually), people experience God differently. I recently had a conversation with someone who made it quite clear that "quiet time" was very important to her spiritual life. She spoke about how important it is that Christians "know the Word" and she (without coming out and saying it) made me feel like she believed one cannot have a working relationship with Christ without quiet time. Now, don't get me wrong, Scripture is vital to the Christ follower's path. There have been moments in my life when my time spent meditating on and memorizing Scripture have strengthened and awakened me in a way that nothing else can. However, the times in my life when I've felt most connected to Christ have also been the times I've felt most connected to others. The times in my life when my heart has been most prepared to invest in people has absolutely coincided with a loving Christian's time spent investing in me. I do believe that quiet time is important. If that is where God comes alive for you and if that is what makes you able to share Him with others, then that is probably the way you learn (at least for now). But, please, spare me the guilt trip.

P.S. Because the person I had this conversation with may read this in the future I feel it necessary to mention that I would gladly enter this conversation again and I don't mean to be talking about it without you. I just sometimes think more clearly when I have a chance to process things and it is not 4am. :)

This is the floor that never ends.

2007-04-04T21:44:00.000-05:00

I just want to post some more pictures because it's fun. And I also want to tell part of the story of the floor. It's been a project since March 23. My Daddy and some of my friends came over that day to start the tear-out. It went smooth and fast. Very good. The guys that Home Depot contracted came out Monday to start laying the new floor and it was finished a day earlier that expected! Very good. They came back to the house Sunday to seal the grout and discovered that the grout "hazed". Basically it is the wrong color. It is supposed to be dark brown and it actually turned out to be splotchy and light grayish/brownish. Now they're saying they are going to have to tear the whole thing out and completely start over. We'll just see about that. Here are the pics...

Time for some more pictures...

2007-04-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

This was taken at the first Kara Laura Laura Kara Club meeting.

Ladies' night out March '07.

And my favorite...the Laura sandwich with Kara bread.

The Force is strong with this one.

2007-03-13T15:31:00.000-05:00

One day a couple of weeks ago Little Girl told Doodoo (grandpa) that she wanted something to drink. He wasn't listening very well so she told him again and gave him a funny look (she sort of turned her head a little sideways and opened her eyes big and wide). The next day she asked me for a piece of candy and I was in a hurry to get out the door and said, "I don't know," hesitantly. She looked at me with that same funny expression and said, "I want a piece of candy." I laughed and told her ok. The next day she was talking to Daddyman on the phone and she said, "Yeah, I have mind-control powers." Ah ha! I could hear him laugh and ask her how she got them. She said she just made them up! The scary thing is, I think they work.

Mmmmmmmmm

2007-03-13T15:26:00.000-05:00

Spinach-Portobello Lasagna Roll-Ups with Creamy Gorgonzola Sauce...and roasted veggies.
Yummy!

You wanna hear something funny?

2007-03-06T21:52:00.000-06:00

Many of you may not know that I started seeing a "counselor" about a week ago. Today was supposed to be my second appointment. I say "supposed to be" because my "counselor" forgot. Yeah, about 10 minutes after I got there I was irritated because he was late. It's his job! He's not allowed to be late! About 25 minutes after I got there I was pissed. The secretary called him and he had just forgotten. He just didn't show up. I could be wrong, but that doesn't seem like a very good thing for a professional in his field to be doing. Anyway, I am fine. I don't feel abandoned or neglected. It's a good thing too or I might just sue his dumb ass.

We've Lost

2007-02-24T10:14:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I can't look into your eyes when we're talking because I know that I will cry. Daddyman lost someone he knew last week. I'm really worried about how this will affect him. I also find myself thinking about this man's wife a lot. I just cannot imagine the pain she must be feeling. I would like so much to comfort her. I cannot believe there is anything I or anyone else can do to make her feel better. The funeral is Sunday and I can't decide whether or not to go. Selfishly, I do not want to go. It will be too painful and scarry and real. Part of me does want to go because I think it is SO important that she sees the community supporting him. I'm not sure what to do.

My funny kids...

2007-02-06T08:42:00.000-06:00

If you know me, you know that I am fairly health conscious. As you might imagine, this has rubbed off on my kids a little bit. When I got back from Hawaii I asked them if they ate healthy food while I was gone. They looked at each other. Little Boy said they did eat healthy about half the time. Little Girl said, "Yeah, it was a patter-in (pattern)." Little Boy said, "It was like A B A B A B. B was healthy." Little Girl agreed. Hilarious. I felt like they must have talked about it before because they were totally on the same wavelength.

Last night I had a hard time with Little Girl. She didn't want to go to bed, as usual. So I went to her room to bundle her, again, and I told her how important it is that she obeys me and listens right away every time. She grins really big and says, "Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." I didn't know whether to kiss her or strangle her. Frustrating and funny.

Thursday Morning

2007-02-01T10:00:00.000-06:00

I just got a call form the US Army, they wanted to know if I want to join!!! I really can't say anything else about that.

Paradise My Eye

2007-01-31T20:18:00.000-06:00

No free Wifi ...on the whole island! You know I would've blogged everyday if I could have (hahaha).

It really was paradise! Everything was perfect and beautiful. I got to see Daddyman.

Below are some pictures of the sunrise. We got up at 4:30 that morning and walked down the beach toward Diamondhead (the big volcanic looking mountain) and waited for the sun to rise. It was even more beautiful in person.

Here is the beach behind our hotel:

Here are pictures of the sunset taken from our balcony:

And here is us having fun:

Coming home was very difficult. I almost called Mom and had her put the kids on a plane. I regretted not doing that immediately upon arrival. When my plane landed here it was snowing. The couple sitting behind me was also returning from Hawaii and they started yelling, "Turn around, take us back! We don't want to stay here!" I joined in.

Leaving was really more difficult because I wasn't taking him with me. I was really doing alright, trying to keep in mind that it is almost over. He'll be home soon (it's all relative), yeah? When I got to the departure gate the lady who took my ticket said, "You don't look like you want to go," and I started crying/wailing and said, "I don't want to go!" It was terrible. I'll give you the short story... I cried a lot and the world continued to exist and time continued to pass.

I really like that guy a lot. I forgot how tall he is. Most of my time spent with males is with males about my height. When I hugged him I said, "You're so tall! I forgot how tall you are." It was pretty funny. I also forgot about some of the little things he does to take care of me and make me feel special. He is so wonderful. I think it was easier to get through everyday without being sad when I had forgotten a lot of the wonderful things about him. I am really sad and missing him tonight.

But time will pass quickly and he'll be home.

...And look at that sunset!

Thanks guys!

2007-01-11T16:01:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to say how happy I am and how thankful I am to not be depressed. I had an hour to kill between taking kids to school and meeting Supermom for coffee and I didn't take a nap. I chose to do laundry and take out trash instead of sleep, which is what I would normally do this time of year. Productivity!! That's when I realized that I wasn't depressed. I haven't been in a really long time and I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I thought a couple of days ago that I might be slipping back into it. I'm about to go to Hawaii to see Daddyman! I know I have nothing to be sad about, but I still get that way sometimes. The last time I can remember feeling really terrible (bad enough to be worried about it) was the middle of October. The holidays were a little sad but I wasn't so depressed that I just wanted to sleep all day or die or anything like that. When the weather gets bad I usually go through "funks" about a week or two long every couple of weeks and, so far, this winter hasn't been too bad. I just want to thank God and all of my friends and family that have been so encouraging and supportive. Without all these people around to love me and take care of me I'm sure this would've been the worst winter yet. I love you guys!

Psychic?

2006-11-30T10:24:00.000-06:00

I was in the van with the kids on Monday and I asked them what they would want for Christmas if they could only have ONE thing. Little Boy said he wanted Kamakura, specifically a Sigma Six Kamakura. And Little Girl wanted another My Little Pony, a pink one. Later that night I talked to Daddyman, we usually talk after the kids go to bed. He told me that he bought some presents for the kids online today and was having them sent to the house. Well, I can't stand a surprise so, of course, I wanted to know what they were. When he told me he got them a Sigma Six Kamakura and a MLP I asked what color the pony was, it was pink. I said, "It's like you were with us today," and told him what happened earlier. I love moments like those. We really needed that.

Tuesday, I was shopping around for some party supplies for my Aunt's Christmas party and I ran across a flower shop that had a dozen roses on sale for $10. I really wanted some flowers and I almost went it to buy them but I didn't have time or anywhere to put them while I finished shopping. When I got home there was a box on my porch that said, "Open immediately, fresh flowers inside." I just can't believe that God is not involved in our everyday lives. I know He knows exactly what we need and how to build us up. After a sad weekend of preparing for Christmas without Daddyman, we needed an extra sense of connection, and that's exactly what we got.

Stupid Christmas Tree

2006-11-30T09:39:00.000-06:00

We usually get a 7 ft. tall tree. Big and fluffy, taking up the whole 6 ft. window in our living room. I have to keep the rocking chair in our bedroom through Christmas. This year I decided that I didn't want to deal with a giant tree on my own. The weather couldn't have been better for the shopping experience, but it was miserable. I was just missing Daddyman, a lot. It just didn't seem right to pick out the tree without him. I almost burst into tears a couple of times. So we bought this little 4 1/2 footer. The kids picked it out and I approved it. We got it home and Dad and brother-in-law set it up in the stand. It was crooked...VERY crooked. I don't like crooked things. I don't like slightly off-center things. This really bothered me but I didn't feel like I could nag them about it because they were doing me a favor. So I went outside to "call my mom" and finally did burst into tears. It wasn't really about the tree. It's just that he should've been there. I would've been able to tell him that the tree wasn't straight...until it got fixed. Really, I wouldn't have had to tell him. He would have known that I couldn't live with a crooked tree. Anyway, I miss Daddyman. We didn't end up putting the lights up or anything that night. The next morning, when we woke up to get ready for school, I walked into the living room and saw that stupid Christmas tree. It just made me so sad. I didn't even want to look at it. I just wanted to throw it off a tall building. Later in the day I asked the kids what they thought of taking the tree to a family that couldn't afford one, then we could buy a big fluffy one. They protested loudly saying, "He's our pet tree, we can't get rid of him!" What?!?! They had named the tree Lightning OurLastName and were determined to keep it. So Monday, after lunch, I skipped pilates and put lights on that stupid tree so it would be ready to decorate when they got home from school. They made me like the stupid tree.

Today, at Woodward Park, I enjoyed the sunlight!

2006-11-08T22:57:00.000-06:00

It's not Frodo

2006-10-22T19:49:00.000-05:00

Talk about lifting a girl's spirits!!!

2006-10-16T21:18:00.000-05:00

Reason #43 for not shaving your legs while you are still sleeping...

2006-10-16T15:38:00.000-05:00

You might shave the same leg twice...and then realize, after exiting the shower and drying off, that you completely forgot to shave the other leg.

That's my girl!

2006-09-04T22:33:00.000-05:00

Look at this sweet little face. She is so much fun! Fun at home, school and shopping...

We were at a local department store today. We had been there for about an hour. Not too long really. A pretty short trip for us as a matter of fact. When we finally left, we got buckled in and started to drive. After a few minutes Little Girl says, "That boy in there called me 'underpants' and I didn't talk to him 'cause he's a stranger." I started to laugh, of course. Then she continued by saying, "I just snorted him." I asked her what she meant and she made a snorty pig noise. At that, I cracked up laughing.

I am so proud of my girl for standing up for herself in her own way!

My Big Giant Kindergartener

2006-08-29T22:24:00.001-05:00

Saturday morning while I made breakfast Little Boy was working away in his room. I told him to put his laundry away and it seemed to be taking a good long time. This is why...
Pajamas on the left, swim suits in the middle and socks and underwear on the right. Sigh...isn't he dreamy! Don't worry, he really is a real boy. The night before he came to me with this:
And he asked me if I could cut off "this much" (about a quarter of an inch) of his carrot. I aked him why he wanted me to cut it off and he said, "'Cause I put it in my nose." I laughed a little and asked him why he did that. He said, "I thought it would feel funny." "And did it?" I asked. "Yes," he giggled.

Another fun quiz.

2006-08-29T22:24:00.000-05:00

I'm a Dodge Viper!

You're all about raw power. You're tough, you're loud, and you don't take crap from anyone. Leave finesse to the other cars, the ones eating your dust.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

When it rains...

2006-08-27T21:57:00.000-05:00

It pours!

We got hit by a drink driver Saturday night. We are all fine, just some bumps, bruises and scrapes.

We had an exciting night in the emergency room and have felt pretty shitty ever since, but really, we're altogether okay.

Here's the rest of the story.

I'm traveling west toward my house and I see a vehicle about to turn right (it is facing north), except it doesn't turn right. It goes straight, straight into my driver's side quarter panel. The airbags deployed and everything smelled like smoke. I thought the car must have been on fire. I jumped across to the passenger's seat and out the door. I opened Little Boy's door and asked him where he hurt. He said his tummy so I unbuckled him and looked him over. He seemed okay and I decided to go ahead and get them out of the car because it still smelled like it was burning. I asked Little Girl where she hurt while I unbuckled and moved her. She was just crying and saying she was sorry! I was still pretty shaken and all I could do is tell her that it wasn't her fault and she didn't do it. Now the kids are sitting in the wet grass (it's still raining) and I see my neighbor driving by. So I yell at him and he stops. He gets out of his van and walks to us. As he is walking toward me I notice a guy hanging out his window trying to get my attention, so I look at him and he says, "I called 9-1-1 for you." I am telling him thank you when the guy behind him starts to honk and I yell, "F*CK YOU!" as I fly the bird in his direction. Then I gather my senses and realize that the kids are still sitting at my feet. BAD Mommy! The kids go sit in his van and the firefighters are here by the time I turn around. I'm not sure how long it's been by this time, but in my mind it was really just a matter of seconds. The firefighters talk to the kids about their owies and then to me about mine. Then the greasy, smelly, drunk Mexican stumbles over my way saying "Your problem." I looked at him with the meanest face I've ever felt myself make and said, "Not my problem, your problem!" Then he patted me on the head. I swung my arm up and smacked his hand away and said "Don't touch me!" A firefighter laughed and took him away. Then the ambulance got there and a firefighter carried Little Boy into it. I climbed in behind them carrying Little Girl, who seemed to be fine. One of the EMT's brought the kids' toy bags to me and I knew the camera was in one of them. At this point I decided I would take some pictures (to post later of course) and then I find that the batteries got thrown from the camera during the crash. WWWWRRRAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the last straw!!! Now I must have BLOOD! The EMT offered batteries to me, but he only had two and I needed three. (By the way, EMTs, firemen, policemen...I love them. They all made me feel like my kids and I were the only people on the face of the earth and that they genuinely cared for us.) Next, Dad showed up (because at some point between dragging the kids out and shouting profanity at strangers I called Mom and she was further out than Dad so he showed up first). The fire and police men started to talk to me about what had happened and where I wanted the car towed. My mind started flying around and I felt completely overwhelmed so I looked at Dad and told him that I just needed him to handle it. "I don't care what happens to the car or how much it costs, I just can't think about it right now. I need to get Little Boy to the hospital." Mom got there and took Little Girl with her (followed the ambulance to the hospital). During the ambulance ride Little Boy fell asleep and I called a friend to have her pray with me. It felt really good to pray with someone, then she let me know that she would meet us in the ER. There must be a side to the ER that I do not know because everyone and their dogs were there. It must just be "the place to be" on a Saturday night. Sigh. That was sad and discouraging. However, they got us "in" quickly. I guess kids that have been in a car accident really are an emergency. The night went on slowly. Little Boy was admitted first. blah blah blah boring stuff....After a while the nurse told me that Little Boy would need an I.V. SIDE TRACK... I don't do well with needles. The worst part of childbirth with both of my kids was the I.V. I was a little freaked out by this. Back to the story... So, he's exhausted and crying and saying that he doesn't want them to poke him with a needle. It was very hard to do this without Daddyman. Doodoo (Dad) was there but it just isn't the same as having Daddyman. After lots of fighting and screaming they hook him up to some fluids and a little while later inform us that if he doesn't pee by x amount of fluids they with have to use a catheter. I only thought I was freaked out before. This about made me puke. Friend and Mom were in the ER waiting room with Little Girl so I went out there to check up on her and ask them to pray with me again. We just prayed that God would help him to pee. Silly, I know, but you gotta do what you gotta do. While we were waiting for him to pee I asked Mom to go ahead and get Little Girl checked in so they could at least check her over and make sure nothing was wrong. So, long night goes on and Little Girl is fine, but Little Boy still has not peed and our time is up. The nurse was going to get the catheter equipment.

I decided to get him out of bed again (he had been sleeping off and on all night) and as I got him up I told him that this is just like when he falls asleep in the car. “I am going to put you in front of the potty and you need to pee before you can get to bed, so you don’t wet the bed.” He was mostly asleep and started to pee in the little jug thing that they needed him to pee in. We were all laughing and praising God. I’ve never seen so many people so happy to see a little boy pee! While he was peeing the nurse walked in the door with the equipment and said, “Oh good, we really didn’t want to do this.” So after he and I both got our x-rays done and he got a CT scan we waited around for a couple more hours (I think) and found out that we are all fine and are just going to be sore for a few days. So we bundled up and went home and lived happily ever after. (and that was the short version)

Goin' to the Honky Tonk!

2006-08-18T21:23:00.000-05:00

So much fun!!!

The beginning of the road away from home...

2006-08-18T08:56:00.000-05:00

What kind of mom would I be!?

2006-08-18T00:43:00.000-05:00

Last night I was up until after 2 am making blankies for my Pre-K and K-5 kids to take to school. They must have a soft snuggly blankie for resting time! Why I didn't decide this weeks ago, I don't know. But now they have the sweetest, softest blankies in the whole school. I am pretty happy with the way they turned out. And of course Little Girl had to have bows for her new school clothes (which Supermom helped me with, of course). I know that this isn't really about the blankies or the bows. It's really about my need to feel that I still control a piece of my kids' time at school, a need to know that we are still connected and a hope that maybe they will think of me at some point during the day. Silly, I know. But they couldn't possibly be happy or comfortable or secure without me (leave me to my fantasy). Without their blankets and their homemade lunches. I've been so excited about this time that I will have to myself. I still am. But I am also sad that both my babies are big school kids now. I'll probably be pretty much over this by next week. I'll be starting my classes and my work. I'll get busy with homeroom mom stuff and yoga and I'll be fine. But today, this first day of school, has been a long hard day.

Marshmallow Lovemore

2006-07-26T22:08:00.000-05:00

A long time ago I helped a guy come up with an idea for some shirts. He wanted his girls to have shirts that promoted kindness instead of snottiness. He was tired of seeing little girls run around in shirts that said things like "You're Stupid." So, he came up with some ideas and I came up with some ideas and this is the final result. I think they turned out so cool!

Grammy's

2006-07-24T22:25:00.000-05:00

I spent the evening at Grammy's again. I still love it there. It's like going to a spa every time. I forget about the miserable rotten day I've just had and remember how blessed I am. More on this later.

P.S. Grammy, if you want me to, I'll take this off. I don't usually put pics of people up, but I like this one.

Happy summer!

2006-07-24T21:57:00.000-05:00

These are all vegetables that I grew in my own backyard. They make me very happy!

Must read about clutch dumping!

2006-07-16T03:18:00.000-05:00

This is a link to another blog of mine. I've tried to keep it secret so I don't hurt anyones feelings, but I don't really care about that now. So today I cannot get any pictures to download with blogger and this story cannot be told without the pictures.

Oh what a beautiful morning...not!

2006-07-14T22:57:00.000-05:00

Little Girl crawled in bed with me last night/early this morning like she always does. No big deal, except at about 5am she says, "Mommy I threw up." So I get up and clean it up just in time for her to do it again in the floor. So I clean her up and put her back in my clean bed, clean the floor up and crawl back in bed with her. A few minutes after I reach the drifting back to sleep stage she blows chunks all over the place. It was literally projectile vomit. She puked all the was across a full size bed to the other side of it onto the floor and window sill. So, I strip her down, put her in the shower and proceed to clean everything up. It took me a while. I think it was about 6:30 by this time. I just left her in the shower the whole time I was stripping the bed and cleaning the floor and window, I figured she can puke in there and it doesn't matter. (Can you smell it yet?) Just as I'm getting her out of the shower and into pajamas, Little Boy comes into the bathroom without pants on and says he's peed his bed. That is unbelievable because this kid has NEVER peed his bed. So I finish getting Little Girl back to bed (her bed this time, it's smaller and easier to clean), then I clean up Little Boy and his bed and decide that I can't go back to sleep. What a way to start the day! I have to say though that I stayed very calm and sweet the entire time, that's pretty amazing for me. I just knew that it wasn't their fault and they couldn't clean it up themselves. It sucked. I've never had to do anything like that without Daddyman. Crazy, I know. There have actually been times when I didn't even know they were sick until the next morning when he told me that he had done all the laundry from the kids throwing up last night. He's so wonderful! How many husbands out there would have just rolled over and pretended they didn't know anything until their wife got up and took care of it? I miss him a lot.

Waahhhh...(I wish)

2006-07-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

I miss Daddyman. I am really crabby. I just miss him so much. The kids are driving me crazy already this morning. We've only been awake for an hour and I am already sick of their whining and fighting. I miss him. I miss having him here to help break it up or just to distract. I miss all the help and support I get from him. I am to a state now where I can't even cry anymore. In the shower this morning Little Girl came in about three different times with demands or negative reports of her brother and Little Boy came in a couple times spewing the same nails toward my ears. When they both left the bathroom for the last time I was so angry and annoyed and heart broken. But I couldn't cry. I really wanted to. It was a very convenient time to cry. I am tired (I was up until 3:30, partly because I went to see Pirates 2 at midnight), and angry. That is usually a beautiful recipe for tears. Maybe there is not enough on my plate right now, maybe I'm not stressed out enough to come to tears yet. Or maybe I've cried my last. That's it! My tears have all dried up. A couple of nights ago Sis and her husband, a cousin and his girlfriend were all going to take me out. It was my last night with a built-in babysitter. We were all going out about 9:30. That time rolled around and I hadn't heard from anyone so I called Sis and asked her if we were still going out and she reluctantly said yes. So I called the cousin and girlfriend to see what the plan was and they had forgotten it and were at her mom's house eating. So I called Sis back and told her we could just not go out and it wasn't a big deal (I knew she didn't really want to go). So we didn't go out. Again, I was heart broken and on the verge of crying but I couldn't. It's not like I can't understand that sometimes people forget and I'm not mad or anything, it's that I needed out of the house I had planned on it all day. When I got frustrated with the kids I thought, "At least I get to get out tonight." I got let down. It hurt and I was sad. I keep thinking that I know I just need to lean on the Lord so I won't be let down but I don't really know how to "lean" on Him. I pray and I praise Him passionately. I love Him and it is always overwhelming when I remember how deeply He loves me. I know He will bring me through this, but I am still sad and miserable. I also know that it's okay for me to be sad and miserable. But I don't want to be anymore. It sucks! A LOT! I feel like shit all the time and I'm sick of it. I don't know how to get myself out of that though. How do I just make myself be happy again?

Help!

2006-07-05T00:46:00.000-05:00

I need help putting a new picture on my profile (I'm not feeling as vengeful as I was there for a while). Thanks!

2006-07-05T00:29:00.000-05:00

He has a blog!!! Isn't he so cute!

2006-07-04T15:19:00.000-05:00

It's been a while.

2006-07-04T08:01:00.000-05:00

I've been having a fun summer. Running around like a crazy person to my Mom's and Branson and I don't know where else. My cousin has been here for a month. That has been really nice. She's a lot of fun and a big help.

So, around June 6th we started painting Little Girl's room. So cute. Pink and brown and princess. It has taken longer than I thought it would and it's not done yet. Almost, but not quite. I still need to finish the chair rail and put down the quarter round. We pulled up ugly green carpet to reveal somewhat better wood floors. I want to do Little Boy's room next (it's only fair) but I am a little burned out. We'll see.

My Mom wants me to come visit her, often. I don't like to. She's lives in the country, WAY out in the country, on a ranch with animals. It's dirty, it stinks, the water tastes weird and they eat gravy with everything. I could tolerate all that but she has such strange expectations. Not only does she want me to come visit, she also wants me to like it. There is nothing for me to like. No shopping, nothing clean, nothing that smells nice. Her husband doesn't enjoy our visits either. He has never been so rude as to come out and say it, but he gets annoyed by the kids. You see, they always make a mess. No matter what room you put them in, if you give them toys they see how many rooms they can spread them throughout. THEY ARE KIDS. So that stresses me out because we're in his house and I can feel his frustration. So I'm constantly telling the kids to pick up, but they are playing. That's a stupid fight I wouldn't normally get myself into. They can play outside some but it is so dangerous that it stresses me out too. My mom wants to take them out on the 4-wheeler (they are 4 and 5 years old), and I am unreasonable and paranoid because I think it is dangerous for my small children to ride a 4-wheeler. They burn their trash in that part of the country so one is very likely to find a burning pile in a trash can or pit at any time. The wind is always blowing and they have heavy metal fences that blow in that wind. Now, let's add to that...Mom also wants me to feel and show some sort of affection for her husband (and his family). I don't know this man. I think he is good for her and I am happy for her, but he's cranky and picky and not very talkative or warm. He's not easy to talk with. He's 70 something years old. He has grandkids that are my age. He doesn't want to play with my kids (that is an automatic -10 points for any man). Anyway, he's fine, I really don't dislike him, but I also don't have the warm-fuzzies about him (I don't have the warm-fuzzies for many people at all). His mother (Grannie) lives with he and my mother. That is an entirely different story. My gripe for now is that my mom wants me to have warm-fuzzies for her too. I've met her twice. My mom gives Little Girl stuff that belonged to Grannie and she wants me to be all sentimental about it. Some of it is really neat fun stuff, but for me all it means is more stuff to pick up and a Little Boy that doesn't understand why he doesn't get anything. She says "That was Grannie's" like it's supposed to make us all break down in tears. Yuck! It drives me crazy. Here's the part I haven't even gotten to yet... I have issues with my Mom. I don't really know why. Our personalities completely clash, but there is something else. I can't put my finger on it. There is all the normal stuff like she embarrassed me when I was a kid and I still resent that, she divorced my dad but I can't really blame her (I love him but he's a jerk and I couldn't live with him), she yells a lot about everything. I could never talk to her about anything when I was a kid because talking to her meant one of two things: she's going to yell at me, or tomorrow all my aunts and grandmas are going to know this. I stopped talking to her about anything important to me when I was 12. When I "became a woman" I called her at work and told her that I needed her to bring something home (she had a hysterectomy a few years before so there was nothing in the house), and she whined, "Right now!?" The next day we (mom, g-ma, my sister and I) all went to the Olive Garden to "celebrate." Ever since then, I have not shared anything sacred to me with my mother. But can that really be the "thing" that remains lodged between us? I think my time is up. I'm sure I can't afford this session. I've been on here for an hour and a half. More later, I'm sure.

No, wait! I have to gripe about this too. This chick is always positive and supportive of her husband being in the military. I need to gripe partly because I'm just not there. I am still hurt and angry that he made the choice to "serve his country." I love him and I'm very proud of who he his; his character and faith are impressive to me. I do not understand why he NEEDS to be in the army. I am angry everyday. I know that it is only bad for me and my kids but I can't seem to get out of the funk. I am not angry with him. I feel nothing but love and adoration for him. I am angry about my circumstances and have chosen a take it out on the army/president. I know it's irrational, but it feels better, temporarily. I also need to gripe because I want to be "there" (where that chick is). I want to be happy with my career as a military wife. I want to be gung-ho and supportive. I want to look forward to going to ball games and having to video tape every second because if I don't Daddyman will never see it at all. Oops, there's that sarcasm again. I really do need to stop today.

Daddyman, I love you so much and I am so proud of you and proud to be your wife. I can't wait to be with you again and to share every ridiculous moment of life with you. SMOOCH.

P.S. Today I am thankful for my Dads. Both of them (mine and Daddyman's dads) are in the backyard slaving away to build a playground for their grandkids.

I LOVE THESE STUPID QUIZZES

2006-07-03T19:08:00.000-05:00

You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

Maximus

88%

James Bond, Agent 007

79%

Batman, the Dark Knight

67%

Captain Jack Sparrow

54%

Lara Croft

50%

El Zorro

38%

William Wallace

38%

Indiana Jones

33%

The Amazing Spider-Man

25%

Neo, the "One"

21%

The Terminator

17%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Can you help me take my stress off?

2006-06-10T10:50:00.000-05:00

Little Girl said that today. Of course she was talking about her dress but I thought it was ironic. We're all a little stressed right now.

Today I am thankful for my abilties.

2006-06-07T10:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday. We (my cousin and I) started getting Little Girl's room ready for painting. We took down all of the old border, moved everything out, packed up and put away all the stuff that's too small, including toys. We even started pulling down wall paper in Little Boy's room. Good day, or so I thought. Then her grandparents called us. They are super sweet people that would do anything for everyone, so I'm kind of glad when they tell me that they need a favor, I love these people. This is true love. They asked me to go get their dog, yes the four legged, smelly, hairy, mammal kind of dog. (In case you don't know me well...I HATE dogs!) So I tell them it's no problem and I'd be happy to do it for them, which I am happy to help them out, but with a dog! Yuck! Anyway, we take the stupid little thing to the vet because he's been coughing. I think we're just going to get to drop it off, but oh no, we have to stay and answer some questions. This is a truly disturbing place. In the corner of the lobby there is a cage with four tiny kittens (my children are both smitten), and every single person that walked my them muttered in a squishy baby voice "I would take you home if I could, yes I would." Blahck! There were people there holding their animals and talking to them and, get this, kissing them, on the mouth! Aaarrggghhh. Disgusting. Do these people know what else these dogs lick with those mouths? I'm assuming they do because they seem to spend many cherished hours with their pets, and yet they snuggle and smooch all over them still. Needless to say, I was extremely relieved to get out of that looney bin. We had to take the dog home and give it some medicine, again with the yuck. I actually had to touch the thing's mouth. Shudder. We finally get to leave the thing at it's house and by now I'm starving. So I go to one of my new favorite Mexican restaurants that is right around the corner from the ball game we'll be going to later. We pull up, get out, yank on the door and realize that it's closed. All the electricity on the block is out. Waahhh. I really love Mexican food and I really needed some. We drive around the corner and go to Taco Cabana (I had never been there and I loved it). Then we went to Lowes and picked up an inch thick stack of paint samples, nice. Then we were off to the ball game. First, I'm trying to meet my sister and we walk all the way to the end of the stadium because she's behind third base but we can't find her. So I call her cell phone only to find that she knows less about baseball than me (Girly Girl!) and that she is behind first base. We walk all the way back around and on our way we run into me mean old Uncle. Not who I wanted to see. They wanted to come sit with us, yippee! So I throw a little hissy fit on the side and then smile and have a friendly conversation. Later I ran into a friend from church (that was nice), she was smoking and I really wanted to be but I don't do that very often and never in front of my kids, so I was very envious and that's all I've been able to think about ever since. Finally, after a few songs and snacks Little Boy and I decide we're done and want to go home so we all say our goodbyes and head to the car. It gets better...you guessed it, another flat tire. @*$&#^%$*%@ I called AAA again and give precise directions (using words like south and east) to where I am and they can't find me. They are in the wrong parking lot. About 20 minutes later (an hour after I called) the truck finds me. This guy doesn't know how to change the tire either (in the stow n' go vans the spare is in a different place than other vans), but he figures it out and we finally left. Oh what a night!

New picture

2006-06-03T16:55:00.000-05:00

I actually started this blog before my man came home to visit so it's a little outdated, but still relevant.

My profile picture is of Nemesis, the Greek goddess of retributive justice. Yes, I'm feeling a little like watching Punisher tonight. Today my mom told me that my Uncle has been talking trash about me to the family. I babysat his 2 kids (my cousins) for 3 years. He paid me. I had a little in-home daycare. It was all fine and great for a long time but I was beginning to get a little burnt out. When we found out that my man might be going away I told my Uncle that I would probably end up taking a week or so off to spend some time with my little family relaxing, and he freaked out and yelled at me about how his kids are my responsibility and I can't just take time off and leave him hanging blah blah blah. He didn't even give me time to tell him that I had already made arrangements with Grandma and she would be happy to keep them for us. I should have just quit that night. I should have just said "Screw you you selfish SOB! My husband is going to be gone for 18 months and I want to spend some time with him first. I quit!" But I didn't. I got upset and then blew it off and came back from vacation with my family and started back to work. Then I decided that I really couldn't keep doing the daycare thing without my man coming home in the evening to relieve some of the burden. So after I called several local daycares and made a list of costs for the ones that had openings I told my uncle that I would not be his daycare anymore and he would need to find someone else, and I gave him the information. The next day he asked if I would keep the kids until after spring break to which I said "No, I would like to have my spring break (the week before theirs) and Little Boy's spring break off to have some fun and these other daycares can enroll them and start as soon as tomorrow." That still gave him 2 weeks to get his shit together and get them enrolled somewhere else. I guess that wasn't good enough though. He's been telling people that I left him high and dry and that I'm irresponsible blah blah blah. That pretty much pisses me off. What a selfish jerk! Okay, I'm done now.

Update... I'm over it. I still think he's a jerk but I'm not going to be mad about it anymore. Now I'm mad at the government. heeheehee

The show must go on!

2006-06-03T16:27:00.000-05:00

Well, he's gone now. He was home for 9 days and now he's gone again. He won't be back for at least 13 months. He will miss Little Girl's first year of school, 4th and 5th b-day, Little Boy's K5 year, 6th and probably 7th b-day. He'll miss our 7th and 8th anniversaries, not to mention holidays and my birthdays and the everyday nonsense and comedy of life with our children. We will miss him.

I've been doing a little bit of cleaning up (after the endless party week we've had) and a little moping. The kids are back to their insane selves. Little Boy was trying to cheer me and Mamoo up last night. He was pretty funny. At one point he told me that I had water leaking out of my eyes. I think he was worried about that. I guess he's never seen himself leak water before. Little Girl started acting crazy the night before Daddyman left. She hasn't stopped yet, I don't think she will for another 6 weeks or so. Anyway, I've been at home all day. Paying bills and balancing the checkbook mostly. I finally decided to get dressed and go out somewhere about 3:00. So I get showered and dressed (make-up and nail polish) and get the kids ready to go. We head outside, load into the van, start the van...and the low tire pressure bell goes off. So I get out to see if I can at least drive to QT to air it up, nope, it's completely flat. We're not going anywhere. Waaahhhhh. So, now I am waiting for the AAA guy to get here and fix the tire while I blog about the misery. I don't want to stay home. The kids are going to Mamoo's and I'm going to have dinner with some friends. The show must go on.

Update: THe AAA guy showed up and doesn't know how to change my tire. There are so many curse words flying through my head right now I don't know how I could get them all out. How the hell do you become a AAA guy with a big tow truck and not know how to get a spare tire out from under a van and change the damn thing?!

Today...

2006-05-18T08:48:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for the church. As I read over my last few blogs I realize that they sound very critical and unhappy. I don't mean for them to sound like that at all. I think our church is great. I think we have an unbelievable number of people who are actually and truly devoted to Christ and showing others His love. I am blessed to be a part of this and thank God for it.

The past week.

2006-05-17T23:52:00.000-05:00

Most of you know about all this but I really need to get it all out, again. A week ago today my sister-in-law lost her baby. She was almost 12 weeks along and it was her first. I am heart-broken for her. I cannot imagine the sadness she must be feeling. She's trying to act like it's no big deal. She doesn't want anyone to see how upset she is. She's always been like that. I really want her to know that it's okay to be sad. When I told her I was sorry and hugged her for the first time after she found out she said, "It's okay, it's just one of those things." It's not just one of those things. You were a mommy and excited to be one and now all of a sudden you're not. I didn't say all that because I didn't want to upset her. Another reason this is so sad for me in particular is that I feel terrible about the attitude everyone had about this baby (and its daddy) to begin with (me included). The good thing is that nobody ever voiced a negative word to Sis but we all felt them and had them in our hearts. I know that we didn't cause this, but I still feel some guilt about it. Through this heartbreak I have seen a side of her fiance that I can respect. He's been wonderful to her.

The other thing that is still in my head that I want to get out again is that Tuesday when I took little girl to gymnastics I found out that one of the other little girls in her group died last week. She was three. She had a tummy ache and went to the Dr. and was going to go back to the Dr. for more tests in the morning and died that night. That is all of the story I got Tues. morning from the other parent who knows her family and goes to church with her. Later that night I was telling my Grammy about it and she knows the Dr. who treated her. The rest of the story is that the little girl had a bladder infection a couple of weeks ago and the parents didn't fill the prescription for antibiotics. So the infection spread to her heart. That may not have been the cause of death. Her liver and heart were enlarged and the liver made it seem like maybe she had hepatitis. But the parents don't want to know why she died so there will be no further tests or an autopsy. I just keep thinking "How would you recover from that?" They also have a 5 year old boy. How do you tell your son that his sister is never coming back? I can't imagine having to live through something like that. I hope I never have to find out how to survive heartbreak like that.

So, there are two families to keep in our prayers tonight.

Callings Continued...

2006-05-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

Another thing that's bothering me is the idea of a mentor. What is a mentor? Who decides which person in a relationship is the mentor? And isn't there a verse somewhere in that Bible thingy about older women teaching younger women? Does that really mean "older" or does it mean women that have experienced pieces of life that other women have not yet been through? Maybe we should all be mentoring each other. I think a problem common in women is not valuing or even being aware of the power we hold. There is a separation of "married w/chilren" and "not married w/out children" in women. I just assume that no single woman wants to hang out with me and my little rugrats. Why would she want to spend time with me while I corral kids and fold laundry and do dishes and make dinner? Then I remember that I was that girl who wanted nothing more than a woman to show me what to do. The most important woman in my aldult life was a woman who invited me to her house and made me feel like a part of it. The workings of the heart are as deep water, but a man of understanding will draw them out (roughly Prov. 20:5). Kim lived that in every area (as far as I know she still does but she's in VA so I don't go over to her house quite as often as I did). I think some people are better than others at drawing people's hearts out, but I also think it's wise for each of us to be trying. Some of my most spiritually awakening moments were sitting at her table chopping onions to use for dinner, while she chopped or stirred something and just talked with me. She had three kids that she homeschooled and took to soccer and ballet and she still made time for me and that was very powerful to me. I knew that I could call her for anything, anytime. I could just call and ask if I could come over for no good reason, there wasn't a crisis, but I knew I was always welcome and she never made me feel like a burden. She just incorporated me into her life, and I wasn't the only one. Anyway, back to one of the problems...we are never going to teach or mentor women who need us if we feel that we have nothing to offer, so we need to wake up to and become aware of all that we have to offer. We are all Spiritual mothers meant to be nurturing others' souls (not forgetting our own of course).

Today I am thankful for my mind, which God has been working in all night and all morning, so far.

9 days!

2006-05-15T09:32:00.000-05:00

I get to see my Man again for a week. Yes, the kids get to see him too. I am so excited, at the same time I am already sad because this means he's about to be gone, I mean really gone. I won't be able to talk to him on the phone every night. I won't be able to call him in the middle of a really bad day and have him talk to the kids and make them "act right". I just miss him so much already. I know God uses these times to grow me in Him. I always come out stronger on the other side. I look back at every hard time I've gone through in life and can see a way God has used it, whether for me specifically or for someone I know. I know that I go through things to broaden my scope and to widen my experiences to be better prepared to share with and connect to others, but those thoughts really don't make missing my husband and playing single mom any easier. I suppose they should make it easier. I should be rejoicing during my trials. I have a hard time believing that's possible, truly. I do my best to get through everyday in a way that honors God and I like to think of who He is throughout the day and how He may be using me, but I still miss my Man. Thoughts of worship and sacrifice don't fill the gap that missing him has left, but they do help me remember that there is a reason and sometimes that is what gets me through a hard day. There is a purpose beyond what I can see now.

Callings.

2006-05-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

Wow. I have a lot on my mind tonight. How do you know what you are supposed to be doing? How do you know what of your pursuits are of God or selfishness? Is it possible that even a selfish pursuit can ultimately end up glorifying God? I want and love to be available to people. I truly believe that my strongest gift is hospitality. I love getting to know new people. I enjoy cooking for and talking with people. Right now I feel like I am not allowed to do that because my Man is gone. It's not because of anything he or anyone else has said, it's just a little weird for me. I can't explain why. Half of me is gone, at least one third. I have not been exercising my gift, at all. I am feeling especially convicted of that tonight. There are some new ministry opportunities coming up both in and outside the church and I'm not sure what to get involved in. I have my kids and my family that I invest so much in. I love school and right now I am really struggling with whether or not that is a selfish love. I don't necessarily go to school with God in mind. I don't really think it will make me more capable of communicating with people. But I really like it, I enjoy it and I want to go. Both the kids will be in school this fall and I'm looking forward to the fact that I can go to class and do homework during the day and spend every afternoon and night with my kids. The more I think and pray about things the more I think that I'm not supposed to get involved in the cell group forming. I think I'm supposed to be raising my kids and exercising my most prominate gift. There are people in the church that are feeling neglected and disconnected and I need to be connecting. I love connecting. How are we as a church going to go out and make connections if we're not even connected with each other? I feel like I'm talking about a dot-to-dot, I guess in a way I am. I would appreciate prayer on these matters. I need to know who needs me and in what way I can be useful.

This cracked me up!

2006-05-12T21:46:00.001-05:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Teenagers much?

2006-04-30T22:40:00.000-05:00

I had a great weekend with my 13 year old cousin and her little friends. Picked up a cute new teen phrase. I really love being around silly giggly little (<-- definitley relative) girls. Nail polish, face masks, detrimental life ending problems...I just love it all. I hope I still love all that nonsense when my girl gets big. I hope I am as involved and can enjoy it as whole heartedly as I do now. I feel like I am doing something so worth while when I'm spending time being goofy with them. They are the future (I know, it's so cliche, but still true), and where will our future be if no one comes around to take interest in it or guide it? blah blah blah IT'S SO MUCH FUN!! 13 year old girls know a lot more than I thought they did. Their problems and concerns are very real...and valid. It is hard to make a girl feel like her concerns are valid to you. It's hard to communicate how much you care and why you care. It's really hard to make them understand that big people (adults) really do know more than them and they really do care about them. It is hard but I think it is worth the effort. Adults really aren't trying to ruin all teenage forms of fun and be cruel and evil as often as possible. I remember thinking that adults must get some kind of twisted pleasure out of making me miserable. I don't remember when I decided I was wrong. I also discovered this weekend that there is an extremely fine line between giving a girl a good healthy self-esteem and making her completely self-centered. Talk about a balancing act. I decided that it is important to know deep down in your heart that "It's not all about me," but that it is really fun to pretend that it is sometimes. It's fun for me and so I fall into pretending that it's all about YaYeigh but I don't want her to become a selfish brat. I want her to know that she is special, loved and valuable, priceless even. I also want her to know that every other girl is priceless as well and that it is our job to show people love, even girls that don't have cute shoes and perfect hair. There is so much to teach the future generation of women, how am I going to get it all in? Ahhh. And what about the stuff that I don't even know about yet? AAAHHHHH. Maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew. Maybe I need help. I think there is help out there, I just have a hard time seeing it. How can I have such a passion for molding the hearts of teenage girls and still feel totally helpless? I want so badly to save them all from ever having to go through any pain or having to regret anything they've done. I guess we have to go through some of that stuff though, or we would never mature and never come to realize our need for a Savior. I really do come to these realizations while I'm typing. We have to go through making mistakes and sinning and messing up our plans so that we know we have to rely on Someone bigger. We can rest in knowing that He will take care of the mess for us when we're ready to admit that we made the mess and can't pick it up alone. I have so many young girls in my life that I care about so much. Some of them are making huge life altering mistakes. It breaks my heart and I want to reach in and take them out of their situations and fix everything. I can't do it, but I know that my Savior can. He is my help and theirs.

Stagnant water, yeah!

2006-04-27T21:58:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know how to fix a garbage disposal? My sink is half full (nope, not half empty, no negativity here) of disgusting water and rotten food. Oh yeah, I'll be gone all weekend. What should I do about that? Yippee! This is so exciting I can hardly stand it!

Aaahhhh...

2006-04-27T09:12:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up at 8 am (John Ray is officially tardy at 8:16). I ran around picking out his clothes and fed him milk and a nutrigrain bar. Unbelievably, he was on time to school. That is a miracle if you ask me. So, today, so far, I am thankful that John Ray got to school on-time and nobody was injured in the process!

A little bit of everything...

2006-04-25T23:25:00.000-05:00

So, I've been hearing this a lot: Laura, be a great mom. I haven't had an actual human being say those exact words to me, but I have been feeling overwhelmed and very short-fallen in the motherhood department. I am reminded constantly that the time I have with my children is so short and I need to enjoy it. I am feeling very guilty because I really have not been enjoying it lately. I love my children so much. I want to enjoy them. I also want to sleep until my man returns. I want it to be sunshiny all the time and I want to have a nice tan and I want the kids to be happy all the time. I want the kids to get along nicely and stop whining at me. I know that these feelings really have NOTHING to do with the kids. I know that something just isn't right in my heart. I want to spend more time with them just having fun. I want to stop paying all the bills and cleaning the house and pumping my own gas. Let's see...what else do I want? Maybe the problem is selfishness. Tomorrow I will take my boy to school then come home and get ready for work. I will take my girl to my g-ma and then leave until 4pm. When I get back I want to garden (something the kids can do with me). Then, we can make dinner together and eat. After baths, I want to watch Alias, uninterrupted. Then I can read the kids a story and put them to bed. That doesn't sound too impossible does it? Ok, one day at a time, I will start to appreciate the time I have with my babies again.

A nice tidbit I heard this week: The point of conviction is to bring you to grace, not guilt.

Right now I am on the phone with Discover card. My card has expired and they won't send me a new one because my man is the main person on the account. And they couldn't tell me that when I called 2 weeks ago to order the new card. They told me I would have my card in 4 days. Finally, I decide to call them to see what's taking so long and as of this moment I've been on the phone for 22 minutes (on hold most of the time) with a woman who can't figure out why they won't just send me the stupid card. Oh what a bunch of B@* $*!%. Well, she's back on the line and has just informed me that she will not be able to send me a card because there is a note on the account that the cardholder is deployed with the military and his spouse can make necessary changes to the account such as address or cancellation, but they can't send me a new card because that is not on the list of things I m allowed to do. I feel like telling them that paying the @#*% bill is not on that list either, but I bet it doesn't get done if I don't do it! Wonder if I'm allowed to do that.

Does being a mom mean not fitting into society? Do we allow our children to do things that we think are perfectly fine, but that society may find appalling? And we may not even know it's "bad" because we're so out of touch with what is acceptable.

Who am I? I really wonder what people think of me and if anyone really knows who I am. I don't even think I know who I am half of the time. Is it possible that some ridiculous personality test knows me better than I do? I took a ridiculous personality test this week. I didn't like the results. I know it bothered me way more than it should have. I think I'm over that now, but if the test is not accurate, I am still wondering who I am. I want to do so many things. I feel like it will be impossible to accomplish everything I want to do, in life and just every day little things. I feel like I am a different person to different people. I have many sides and I don't think I ever let anyone see all of my sides. Sometimes I can hear one of my "sides" kicking in and I think "What am I saying, who am I?" Maybe I have multiple personalities.

Well, there you go. A little bit of everything.

2006-04-22T10:06:00.000-05:00

I am SO thankful today. My wonderful beautiful cat, Rudy, has slain another squirrel. He's developed quite a taste for them. This is the third one I've found under the picnic table. While it is so very exciting (I hate squirrels because they ravage my tomato plants in the summer time so that I only get a fraction of the fruits of my labor), it is also SO VERY disgusting. I don't know what to do with the carcasses (there is only fur and claws left to clean up). (GAG!) I also need to take the cats to the vet to make sure they are up to date on their shots and I don't know how I'm going to do that either. My man really kept me spoiled.

2006-04-17T22:17:00.000-05:00

It's thankful time again. I love my Grammy. She's so loving, supportive and encouraging. Those are all traits that are especially admirable to me right now. She just makes me feel like I can do anything. She's empowering and uplifting for my soul. Spending the day at her house is renewing, every time. She's also always good to remind me to enjoy every second I have with my babies, it is such a short time. This time feels like forever right now. It's really hard for me to enjoy it all the time, to cherish every whiney moment. Sigh. It is good for me to be reminded that I only have my babies for a short time. They will be big giant adults before I'm forty (and I've been told several times that 40 will come so much faster than I think it will). Ever since Supermom posted the blog about the last time she held her baby boy I've been grateful each time I hold my boy. I still rock my girl about everyday. Today we colored together and I wondered how many more times my baby girl would come to tell me it was time for me to color with her "right now." So irritating at first (she's quite bossy for her little 3 year old shorts), but when I took a moment to think about what was happening, that she just wanted me to be with her and to engage in her life for a few minutes, I couldn't help but indulge her selfish little demand. Kids are so unbelievably selfish, but what if they weren't? Would anyone give them any attention at all if they never came around and asked for it? I find them very easy to ignore (sometimes). I know that's bad and it is very definitely my selfishness showing it's ugly head. Hmm. Amazing how my children allow me to see my sins so clearly! I sometimes think that is why God gave them to me. My precious little mirrors.

I am missing my man again. I still talk to him every night, but it's just not the same as him being here. I finished cleaning off the back patio today. I threw away all the old yucky chair cushions and I had a hard time carrying all the over-sized heavy black trash bags to the front curb. It was a small misery. There I go whining again. No whining allowed. I wonder if God feels about my whining the way I feel about my children's whining? I wonder if He's pulling His hair out and crying, "What am I going to do with her?!?!" "Why won't she just listen to me without complaining?" Do you think God thinks things like that? My real question is...Do I need to change the way I think and feel about my kids' whining or do they need to stop whining or both maybe? I guess I feel the way I do about their whining partly because I think they should not do it. I just don't have a lot of pity/mercy at the end of the day. I am tired and tired of hearing it. Those are the times that are hard to cherish. And now I have almost gone full circle. Just to make it a complete circle... I love my Grammy and today I am especially thankful for her impact on my life.

2006-04-17T22:12:00.000-05:00

THANK YOU!!!!! Kyle, Cathy, Scott, Daniel, Angela, and Heather! It is so nice to drive up to a nice clean yard everyday. Thanks so much!

2006-04-11T13:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm not blogging about something I'm thankful for everyday. Lately I've been extra thankful for my husband. I just think he's wonderful. I miss him a lot. My yard looks like crap. Oh, I'm also thankful that my cats killed (and ate) a squirrel. For those of you that do not know, I have a strong and passionate hatred for squirrels. They are evil!

Sunday night I decided to start singing (opera style) to my kids instead of yelling at them. Whenever I get really frustrated and feel like I'm about to blow a fuse I start singing at the top of my lungs about whatever it is that's driving me crazy, "I need you to stay in your bed, it is way past your bed time..." and so on. It has been great! Instead of being angry I begin to laugh and realize how silly it is that I am getting angry about this. I don't know how long this will last or how long it will remain funny, but I plan to enjoy it while it does last. I would like so much to be remembered as a mom who sang instead of a mom who yelled. My girl thinks it's funny and laughs hysterically. My boy thinks it's terrible and says, "Mommy stop, you're hurting my ears." It can't possibly hurt worse that anger.

2006-04-07T16:13:00.000-05:00

Still happy to have the van. We're going to a baseball game tonight. Can't wait, should be fun. How do you make yourself love someone? I need to work on that. I have two men in my life right now that I really need to find a way to love. Both of them are or almost are brothers-in-law. (My sister and John's sister.) I love both sisters so much. Brother #1 seems ok. Of course I'm not sure I would REALLY approve of any guy for my little sister. He does some very foolish things that have the potential to mess up life, not just for him, but for his wife and son also. Every time I think I am warming up to him and I'm really making an effort to get involved he does something else to upset my sister(there's really more to it thatn that, I am just not sure how much I want to let out, I don't think my sister would like it). I know she's hard to live with. I had to for a while, and I didn't get to choose her! HE DID! And he knew her and lived with her before he married her. GRRR. Anyway, brother #2 is a complete dirt bag. Sis is his 4th woman (soon to be wife) and their child will make his 4th (yes, she is the 4th mother). I don't begin to understand what she sees in him or why she ever got involved with him to begin with, I mean, he's a used car salesman, nothing says "red flag" quite like that. I'm just kidding about that part. Again, I really want to like him. I love her and she is so happy right now (6 weeks along) and I really want to share in this happiness. So I am outgoing and sweet and lovey-dovey but in the back of my mind I am on guard and sad and disappointed. I think part of the reason it's hard for me to except these two men is mine is so wonderful. I don't think any woman that I love should put up with less than him. Also, I know that I am protective of both of them. His sister is actually a little older than me, but because she's his little sister and he's gone I guess I've taken over his role a little. Finally, I feel like someone has to be prepared for the worst. I am a pessimist, always ready to be let down. (I still haven't told the kids that there's a possibility that John may be coming home to visit for a week.) So, back to the point...I really want to love these two. I want to except them the way God excepts me even after I fail again and again. I want to let myself be vulnerable enough to truly love, but I don't know how to begin. I'm not Jesus (said in a very sarcastic voice). I've been praying about it. I know the right thing to do is to love. I know that I can't keep anything bad from happening by being distant and cold. I am going to go think warm fuzzy thoughts now. (snicker snicker)

2006-04-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

It's been another good day! Today I am thankful for my new van. It has been so nice to drive.

Now for some fun... I took this from Supermom. It just looked like too much fun to refuse.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet’s name, and current street name)
Mr. Kitty East Fifty-Fifth

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)
Carolea Dove

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name.)
L. Ec

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Lee Tulsa

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Eccllerud

6. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's middle name spelled backwards)
Eelnnyl

7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive or want to drive)
The Pink Commander (actually sounds pretty cool to me)

2006-04-03T02:24:00.000-05:00

Why do I care what I look like? Why do I care if I feel "attractive" today? My man is gone, so the idea that I just want to look nice for my man will not do. I was thinking about this earlier today and the blog of a friend caused me to ponder it further. I'm trying to decide what to wear (every morning), but why does it matter what I wear? Nobody cares what I wear, except me. I don't believe that I am alone in this. I think every woman (or almost every woman) goes through this occasionally, if not daily), but I still ask...WHY? I am not trying to find a husband or impress a boss. I am not trying to enter a beauty contest, but I do want to feel good about the way I look. I am reading "Captivating" right now. I am only one third of the way through it but so far all it talks about is beauty, and how important and wonderful it is. I know that it isn't really talking all about physical beauty, but that does tend to be the focus I take most mornings. A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with my cousin and I was just feeling kind of down. I was actually pretty crabby. It took me a while to put it together, but I did not like the pants I was wearing and I was having a bad hair day. Finally I changed pants and fixed my hair and my disposition changed...for the better. Why would that make such a difference? I know that I need to be much more focused on inner beauty. I know that is important. I know that is the beauty that lasts. That is also the beauty that I admire most in other people. I have never loved someone or even been friends with someone simply because they were "pretty to look at" but I have many friends that I love because of the person they are on the inside. Maybe I find myself so un-lovable and ugly on the inside that it is easier to focus on the outside...wow. This blogging stuff is dangerous. Well, I think I've spilled my thoughts for tonight. It's time for me to go sit in the corner and think about what I've done.

2006-04-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

I like making a conscious effort to be thankful. That is really helping me to put some things in perspective. Today I am thankful for family. Not just my own, but families everywhere that stick up for each other and help each other through hard times and help make this world a better place.

2006-04-02T16:38:00.000-05:00

April 1. Today I am thankful for literaturelover and husband. They let me borrow their daughter so I could van shop in peace! Thank you for dinner also!

2006-04-02T16:19:00.000-05:00

Today (3/31 Fri.) I am thankful for Angela. She let us invite ourselves over and fed us dinner. And I am thankful for Todd, he watched the kids so we could go get Starbucks. Thank YOUs!!

2006-03-30T09:50:00.000-06:00

I feel like buying a new vehicle. Just for the heck of it, I called to see what kind of interest rate we could qualify for. After just a short while the finance dept. called me to say that we qualify for 0%. So, now I am in the mood for car shopping. I really want the Jeep Commander, but when you add the leather and DVD player it gets a little pricey. I will probably end up getting another mini-van. Why doesn't that excite me? I don't know another Mom that wouldn't scream at the chance or even the idea of going out and buying a new mini-van. In fact, most of the moms I know would do just about anything to get into a new clean mini-van. I guess I am just ungrateful and definitely very spoiled. If I called John and told him that I want a Hummer with all the options he would say "Ok honey, get whatever you want, you deserve it." As sweet as that is, it doesn't really help at all. I am too cheap and too practical to buy whatever I want. I don't want to spend the money on gas that an SUV would force me to spend. I wonder how much more expensive it would actually be. I wonder if it is really worth worrying about this much. I know it is not. I try to tell myself that I shouldn't stress out about stuff, especially money. I have never had a real reason to be worried about money. I think I just worry about it just in case or maybe for something to do when I'm bored. So, now I ask my church family (and I really do want honest opinions), what should I do? Get what I want (and don't complain about it every time I have to fill the tank), or get what is practical as far as original cost and gas mileage even though I don't really like it that much????
After I saved this as a draft I went to fueleconomy.gov. It's a pretty cool website (if you're obsessed with MPG, as I am). I found out that the Commander gets the same mileage as the Town and Country. So, now I just need to find a really good deal on the Commander, I think.

Ok, I posted this this morning. Since then I have been to a dealership to check out this lovely vehicle. Buying it new with everything I want will be pretty much the same as buying the van new with everything I want. Now the issue is solely practicality. The third row in the Commander is not as convenient as in a van and when in use there is no trunk space at all (like I could barely fit an umbrella stroller back there). BUT IT'S SO COOL!! What do I do?

2006-03-29T18:57:00.000-06:00

Is it SO much to ask? Is it cruel and unusual punishment? Why won't my kids pick up after themselves? I know I can't expect them to do it on their own, but why can't they just pick up the crayons and put them back in the cabinet when I ask them to, without a huge fight? I set the timer and say "Pick this up before it dings or I will take everything that is on the floor away." That worked for a couple of weeks, but now they don't care. So, I say "Pick up before the timer dings and I'll read you 4 bedtime stories (because I'll have more time since I don't have to pick up everything)." Who cares? Stories shmoories. I am completely overwhelmed. I just want someone to come boss my kids and make them listen at the end of the day when they're done listening to me. I am SSSOOOOO tired. and my floors really need to be swept and vacuumed. The kids are talking to John on the phone now. Maybe that will help. The girl is really getting into the whole fit throwing thing. I don't know what to do with her. I have just been sending her to her bed, but she has figured out that I cannot send her to her bed when we're at the grocery store. NOW WHAT?!?! I want to beat her, but I know that won't solve it. Have I mentioned that I am tired? I feel like all I do when I blog is whine. It must be annoying to read it. I don't publish half the things I type because I would hate to read it if I were someone else. Anyway, I am thankful today because I found the title to the van, got the lien release in the mail and am going to sell it. I think I will try to come on here everyday and post something that I am thankful for.

2006-03-20T15:20:00.000-06:00

I'm really missing my man right now. Friday the exhaust fell out of my car at 9:30 at night in the rain on the side of hwy 75 at 56th St. North (yeah, if any of you saw a sad little girl on the side of the highway Fri. night and didn't stop to help, here's your guilt trip. JK). Last night my Daddy came over to help me fix my leaking faucet. By the end of the evening (10:30 pm) I had a new sink...in my bedroom floor, 1/2 an inch of water in the bathroom floor and no running water in the house. This morning I got up and took the car to be repaired. I went to the hardware store to buy the missing pieces of the sink. Now everything is fixed and back to fuctional and I feel miserable. I just want to go to bed, and I don't want to get up until it is sunny and 80 degrees outside. I want to throw a screaming crying fit and I can't even get a tear out. Oh yeah, I also came into contact with a really good old friend that I hadn't takled to in a few years. We talked yesterday and I learned that he has prostate cancer. He is 26. The same age as my man. I really miss my man. It has finally hit. The depression. BLAH. Ok, I'm going back to bed now. Oh wait I can't. My kids want stickers and snacks and God knows what else they will want before 8 tonight. Aaaargghhh.

2006-03-17T15:24:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I think I'm addicted now. I've been reading about other people all day. It's naptime at my house. You'd think I'd take this time to get something done, but no. I can't stop reading about other people.