Still happy to have the van. We're going to a baseball game tonight. Can't wait, should be fun. How do you make yourself love someone? I need to work on that. I have two men in my life right now that I really need to find a way to love. Both of them are or almost are brothers-in-law. (My sister and John's sister.) I love both sisters so much. Brother #1 seems ok. Of course I'm not sure I would REALLY approve of any guy for my little sister. He does some very foolish things that have the potential to mess up life, not just for him, but for his wife and son also. Every time I think I am warming up to him and I'm really making an effort to get involved he does something else to upset my sister(there's really more to it thatn that, I am just not sure how much I want to let out, I don't think my sister would like it). I know she's hard to live with. I had to for a while, and I didn't get to choose her! HE DID! And he knew her and lived with her before he married her. GRRR. Anyway, brother #2 is a complete dirt bag. Sis is his 4th woman (soon to be wife) and their child will make his 4th (yes, she is the 4th mother). I don't begin to understand what she sees in him or why she ever got involved with him to begin with, I mean, he's a used car salesman, nothing says "red flag" quite like that. I'm just kidding about that part. Again, I really want to like him. I love her and she is so happy right now (6 weeks along) and I really want to share in this happiness. So I am outgoing and sweet and lovey-dovey but in the back of my mind I am on guard and sad and disappointed. I think part of the reason it's hard for me to except these two men is mine is so wonderful. I don't think any woman that I love should put up with less than him. Also, I know that I am protective of both of them. His sister is actually a little older than me, but because she's his little sister and he's gone I guess I've taken over his role a little. Finally, I feel like someone has to be prepared for the worst. I am a pessimist, always ready to be let down. (I still haven't told the kids that there's a possibility that John may be coming home to visit for a week.) So, back to the point...I really want to love these two. I want to except them the way God excepts me even after I fail again and again. I want to let myself be vulnerable enough to truly love, but I don't know how to begin. I'm not Jesus (said in a very sarcastic voice). I've been praying about it. I know the right thing to do is to love. I know that I can't keep anything bad from happening by being distant and cold. I am going to go think warm fuzzy thoughts now. (snicker snicker)