A little bit of everything...

So, I've been hearing this a lot: Laura, be a great mom. I haven't had an actual human being say those exact words to me, but I have been feeling overwhelmed and very short-fallen in the motherhood department. I am reminded constantly that the time I have with my children is so short and I need to enjoy it. I am feeling very guilty because I really have not been enjoying it lately. I love my children so much. I want to enjoy them. I also want to sleep until my man returns. I want it to be sunshiny all the time and I want to have a nice tan and I want the kids to be happy all the time. I want the kids to get along nicely and stop whining at me. I know that these feelings really have NOTHING to do with the kids. I know that something just isn't right in my heart. I want to spend more time with them just having fun. I want to stop paying all the bills and cleaning the house and pumping my own gas. Let's see...what else do I want? Maybe the problem is selfishness. Tomorrow I will take my boy to school then come home and get ready for work. I will take my girl to my g-ma and then leave until 4pm. When I get back I want to garden (something the kids can do with me). Then, we can make dinner together and eat. After baths, I want to watch Alias, uninterrupted. Then I can read the kids a story and put them to bed. That doesn't sound too impossible does it? Ok, one day at a time, I will start to appreciate the time I have with my babies again.

A nice tidbit I heard this week: The point of conviction is to bring you to grace, not guilt.

Right now I am on the phone with Discover card. My card has expired and they won't send me a new one because my man is the main person on the account. And they couldn't tell me that when I called 2 weeks ago to order the new card. They told me I would have my card in 4 days. Finally, I decide to call them to see what's taking so long and as of this moment I've been on the phone for 22 minutes (on hold most of the time) with a woman who can't figure out why they won't just send me the stupid card. Oh what a bunch of B@* $*!%. Well, she's back on the line and has just informed me that she will not be able to send me a card because there is a note on the account that the cardholder is deployed with the military and his spouse can make necessary changes to the account such as address or cancellation, but they can't send me a new card because that is not on the list of things I m allowed to do. I feel like telling them that paying the @#*% bill is not on that list either, but I bet it doesn't get done if I don't do it! Wonder if I'm allowed to do that.

Does being a mom mean not fitting into society? Do we allow our children to do things that we think are perfectly fine, but that society may find appalling? And we may not even know it's "bad" because we're so out of touch with what is acceptable.

Who am I? I really wonder what people think of me and if anyone really knows who I am. I don't even think I know who I am half of the time. Is it possible that some ridiculous personality test knows me better than I do? I took a ridiculous personality test this week. I didn't like the results. I know it bothered me way more than it should have. I think I'm over that now, but if the test is not accurate, I am still wondering who I am. I want to do so many things. I feel like it will be impossible to accomplish everything I want to do, in life and just every day little things. I feel like I am a different person to different people. I have many sides and I don't think I ever let anyone see all of my sides. Sometimes I can hear one of my "sides" kicking in and I think "What am I saying, who am I?" Maybe I have multiple personalities.

Well, there you go. A little bit of everything.