Teenagers much?

I had a great weekend with my 13 year old cousin and her little friends. Picked up a cute new teen phrase. I really love being around silly giggly little (<-- definitley relative) girls. Nail polish, face masks, detrimental life ending problems...I just love it all. I hope I still love all that nonsense when my girl gets big. I hope I am as involved and can enjoy it as whole heartedly as I do now. I feel like I am doing something so worth while when I'm spending time being goofy with them. They are the future (I know, it's so cliche, but still true), and where will our future be if no one comes around to take interest in it or guide it? blah blah blah IT'S SO MUCH FUN!! 13 year old girls know a lot more than I thought they did. Their problems and concerns are very real...and valid. It is hard to make a girl feel like her concerns are valid to you. It's hard to communicate how much you care and why you care. It's really hard to make them understand that big people (adults) really do know more than them and they really do care about them. It is hard but I think it is worth the effort. Adults really aren't trying to ruin all teenage forms of fun and be cruel and evil as often as possible. I remember thinking that adults must get some kind of twisted pleasure out of making me miserable. I don't remember when I decided I was wrong. I also discovered this weekend that there is an extremely fine line between giving a girl a good healthy self-esteem and making her completely self-centered. Talk about a balancing act. I decided that it is important to know deep down in your heart that "It's not all about me," but that it is really fun to pretend that it is sometimes. It's fun for me and so I fall into pretending that it's all about YaYeigh but I don't want her to become a selfish brat. I want her to know that she is special, loved and valuable, priceless even. I also want her to know that every other girl is priceless as well and that it is our job to show people love, even girls that don't have cute shoes and perfect hair. There is so much to teach the future generation of women, how am I going to get it all in? Ahhh. And what about the stuff that I don't even know about yet? AAAHHHHH. Maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew. Maybe I need help. I think there is help out there, I just have a hard time seeing it. How can I have such a passion for molding the hearts of teenage girls and still feel totally helpless? I want so badly to save them all from ever having to go through any pain or having to regret anything they've done. I guess we have to go through some of that stuff though, or we would never mature and never come to realize our need for a Savior. I really do come to these realizations while I'm typing. We have to go through making mistakes and sinning and messing up our plans so that we know we have to rely on Someone bigger. We can rest in knowing that He will take care of the mess for us when we're ready to admit that we made the mess and can't pick it up alone. I have so many young girls in my life that I care about so much. Some of them are making huge life altering mistakes. It breaks my heart and I want to reach in and take them out of their situations and fix everything. I can't do it, but I know that my Savior can. He is my help and theirs.

Stagnant water, yeah!

Does anyone know how to fix a garbage disposal? My sink is half full (nope, not half empty, no negativity here) of disgusting water and rotten food. Oh yeah, I'll be gone all weekend. What should I do about that? Yippee! This is so exciting I can hardly stand it!

Aaahhhh...

Today I woke up at 8 am (John Ray is officially tardy at 8:16). I ran around picking out his clothes and fed him milk and a nutrigrain bar. Unbelievably, he was on time to school. That is a miracle if you ask me. So, today, so far, I am thankful that John Ray got to school on-time and nobody was injured in the process!

A little bit of everything...

So, I've been hearing this a lot: Laura, be a great mom. I haven't had an actual human being say those exact words to me, but I have been feeling overwhelmed and very short-fallen in the motherhood department. I am reminded constantly that the time I have with my children is so short and I need to enjoy it. I am feeling very guilty because I really have not been enjoying it lately. I love my children so much. I want to enjoy them. I also want to sleep until my man returns. I want it to be sunshiny all the time and I want to have a nice tan and I want the kids to be happy all the time. I want the kids to get along nicely and stop whining at me. I know that these feelings really have NOTHING to do with the kids. I know that something just isn't right in my heart. I want to spend more time with them just having fun. I want to stop paying all the bills and cleaning the house and pumping my own gas. Let's see...what else do I want? Maybe the problem is selfishness. Tomorrow I will take my boy to school then come home and get ready for work. I will take my girl to my g-ma and then leave until 4pm. When I get back I want to garden (something the kids can do with me). Then, we can make dinner together and eat. After baths, I want to watch Alias, uninterrupted. Then I can read the kids a story and put them to bed. That doesn't sound too impossible does it? Ok, one day at a time, I will start to appreciate the time I have with my babies again.

A nice tidbit I heard this week: The point of conviction is to bring you to grace, not guilt.

Right now I am on the phone with Discover card. My card has expired and they won't send me a new one because my man is the main person on the account. And they couldn't tell me that when I called 2 weeks ago to order the new card. They told me I would have my card in 4 days. Finally, I decide to call them to see what's taking so long and as of this moment I've been on the phone for 22 minutes (on hold most of the time) with a woman who can't figure out why they won't just send me the stupid card. Oh what a bunch of B@* $*!%. Well, she's back on the line and has just informed me that she will not be able to send me a card because there is a note on the account that the cardholder is deployed with the military and his spouse can make necessary changes to the account such as address or cancellation, but they can't send me a new card because that is not on the list of things I m allowed to do. I feel like telling them that paying the @#*% bill is not on that list either, but I bet it doesn't get done if I don't do it! Wonder if I'm allowed to do that.

Does being a mom mean not fitting into society? Do we allow our children to do things that we think are perfectly fine, but that society may find appalling? And we may not even know it's "bad" because we're so out of touch with what is acceptable.

Who am I? I really wonder what people think of me and if anyone really knows who I am. I don't even think I know who I am half of the time. Is it possible that some ridiculous personality test knows me better than I do? I took a ridiculous personality test this week. I didn't like the results. I know it bothered me way more than it should have. I think I'm over that now, but if the test is not accurate, I am still wondering who I am. I want to do so many things. I feel like it will be impossible to accomplish everything I want to do, in life and just every day little things. I feel like I am a different person to different people. I have many sides and I don't think I ever let anyone see all of my sides. Sometimes I can hear one of my "sides" kicking in and I think "What am I saying, who am I?" Maybe I have multiple personalities.

Well, there you go. A little bit of everything.

I am SO thankful today. My wonderful beautiful cat, Rudy, has slain another squirrel. He's developed quite a taste for them. This is the third one I've found under the picnic table. While it is so very exciting (I hate squirrels because they ravage my tomato plants in the summer time so that I only get a fraction of the fruits of my labor), it is also SO VERY disgusting. I don't know what to do with the carcasses (there is only fur and claws left to clean up). (GAG!) I also need to take the cats to the vet to make sure they are up to date on their shots and I don't know how I'm going to do that either. My man really kept me spoiled.

It's thankful time again. I love my Grammy. She's so loving, supportive and encouraging. Those are all traits that are especially admirable to me right now. She just makes me feel like I can do anything. She's empowering and uplifting for my soul. Spending the day at her house is renewing, every time. She's also always good to remind me to enjoy every second I have with my babies, it is such a short time. This time feels like forever right now. It's really hard for me to enjoy it all the time, to cherish every whiney moment. Sigh. It is good for me to be reminded that I only have my babies for a short time. They will be big giant adults before I'm forty (and I've been told several times that 40 will come so much faster than I think it will). Ever since Supermom posted the blog about the last time she held her baby boy I've been grateful each time I hold my boy. I still rock my girl about everyday. Today we colored together and I wondered how many more times my baby girl would come to tell me it was time for me to color with her "right now." So irritating at first (she's quite bossy for her little 3 year old shorts), but when I took a moment to think about what was happening, that she just wanted me to be with her and to engage in her life for a few minutes, I couldn't help but indulge her selfish little demand. Kids are so unbelievably selfish, but what if they weren't? Would anyone give them any attention at all if they never came around and asked for it? I find them very easy to ignore (sometimes). I know that's bad and it is very definitely my selfishness showing it's ugly head. Hmm. Amazing how my children allow me to see my sins so clearly! I sometimes think that is why God gave them to me. My precious little mirrors.

I am missing my man again. I still talk to him every night, but it's just not the same as him being here. I finished cleaning off the back patio today. I threw away all the old yucky chair cushions and I had a hard time carrying all the over-sized heavy black trash bags to the front curb. It was a small misery. There I go whining again. No whining allowed. I wonder if God feels about my whining the way I feel about my children's whining? I wonder if He's pulling His hair out and crying, "What am I going to do with her?!?!" "Why won't she just listen to me without complaining?" Do you think God thinks things like that? My real question is...Do I need to change the way I think and feel about my kids' whining or do they need to stop whining or both maybe? I guess I feel the way I do about their whining partly because I think they should not do it. I just don't have a lot of pity/mercy at the end of the day. I am tired and tired of hearing it. Those are the times that are hard to cherish. And now I have almost gone full circle. Just to make it a complete circle... I love my Grammy and today I am especially thankful for her impact on my life.

THANK YOU!!!!! Kyle, Cathy, Scott, Daniel, Angela, and Heather! It is so nice to drive up to a nice clean yard everyday. Thanks so much!

Ok, so I'm not blogging about something I'm thankful for everyday. Lately I've been extra thankful for my husband. I just think he's wonderful. I miss him a lot. My yard looks like crap. Oh, I'm also thankful that my cats killed (and ate) a squirrel. For those of you that do not know, I have a strong and passionate hatred for squirrels. They are evil!

Sunday night I decided to start singing (opera style) to my kids instead of yelling at them. Whenever I get really frustrated and feel like I'm about to blow a fuse I start singing at the top of my lungs about whatever it is that's driving me crazy, "I need you to stay in your bed, it is way past your bed time..." and so on. It has been great! Instead of being angry I begin to laugh and realize how silly it is that I am getting angry about this. I don't know how long this will last or how long it will remain funny, but I plan to enjoy it while it does last. I would like so much to be remembered as a mom who sang instead of a mom who yelled. My girl thinks it's funny and laughs hysterically. My boy thinks it's terrible and says, "Mommy stop, you're hurting my ears." It can't possibly hurt worse that anger.

Still happy to have the van. We're going to a baseball game tonight. Can't wait, should be fun. How do you make yourself love someone? I need to work on that. I have two men in my life right now that I really need to find a way to love. Both of them are or almost are brothers-in-law. (My sister and John's sister.) I love both sisters so much. Brother #1 seems ok. Of course I'm not sure I would REALLY approve of any guy for my little sister. He does some very foolish things that have the potential to mess up life, not just for him, but for his wife and son also. Every time I think I am warming up to him and I'm really making an effort to get involved he does something else to upset my sister(there's really more to it thatn that, I am just not sure how much I want to let out, I don't think my sister would like it). I know she's hard to live with. I had to for a while, and I didn't get to choose her! HE DID! And he knew her and lived with her before he married her. GRRR. Anyway, brother #2 is a complete dirt bag. Sis is his 4th woman (soon to be wife) and their child will make his 4th (yes, she is the 4th mother). I don't begin to understand what she sees in him or why she ever got involved with him to begin with, I mean, he's a used car salesman, nothing says "red flag" quite like that. I'm just kidding about that part. Again, I really want to like him. I love her and she is so happy right now (6 weeks along) and I really want to share in this happiness. So I am outgoing and sweet and lovey-dovey but in the back of my mind I am on guard and sad and disappointed. I think part of the reason it's hard for me to except these two men is mine is so wonderful. I don't think any woman that I love should put up with less than him. Also, I know that I am protective of both of them. His sister is actually a little older than me, but because she's his little sister and he's gone I guess I've taken over his role a little. Finally, I feel like someone has to be prepared for the worst. I am a pessimist, always ready to be let down. (I still haven't told the kids that there's a possibility that John may be coming home to visit for a week.) So, back to the point...I really want to love these two. I want to except them the way God excepts me even after I fail again and again. I want to let myself be vulnerable enough to truly love, but I don't know how to begin. I'm not Jesus (said in a very sarcastic voice). I've been praying about it. I know the right thing to do is to love. I know that I can't keep anything bad from happening by being distant and cold. I am going to go think warm fuzzy thoughts now. (snicker snicker)

It's been another good day! Today I am thankful for my new van. It has been so nice to drive.

Now for some fun... I took this from Supermom. It just looked like too much fun to refuse.


1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet’s name, and current street name)
Mr. Kitty East Fifty-Fifth

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)
Carolea Dove

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name.)
L. Ec

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Lee Tulsa

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Eccllerud

6. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's middle name spelled backwards)
Eelnnyl

7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive or want to drive)
The Pink Commander (actually sounds pretty cool to me)

Why do I care what I look like? Why do I care if I feel "attractive" today? My man is gone, so the idea that I just want to look nice for my man will not do. I was thinking about this earlier today and the blog of a friend caused me to ponder it further. I'm trying to decide what to wear (every morning), but why does it matter what I wear? Nobody cares what I wear, except me. I don't believe that I am alone in this. I think every woman (or almost every woman) goes through this occasionally, if not daily), but I still ask...WHY? I am not trying to find a husband or impress a boss. I am not trying to enter a beauty contest, but I do want to feel good about the way I look. I am reading "Captivating" right now. I am only one third of the way through it but so far all it talks about is beauty, and how important and wonderful it is. I know that it isn't really talking all about physical beauty, but that does tend to be the focus I take most mornings. A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with my cousin and I was just feeling kind of down. I was actually pretty crabby. It took me a while to put it together, but I did not like the pants I was wearing and I was having a bad hair day. Finally I changed pants and fixed my hair and my disposition changed...for the better. Why would that make such a difference? I know that I need to be much more focused on inner beauty. I know that is important. I know that is the beauty that lasts. That is also the beauty that I admire most in other people. I have never loved someone or even been friends with someone simply because they were "pretty to look at" but I have many friends that I love because of the person they are on the inside. Maybe I find myself so un-lovable and ugly on the inside that it is easier to focus on the outside...wow. This blogging stuff is dangerous. Well, I think I've spilled my thoughts for tonight. It's time for me to go sit in the corner and think about what I've done.

I like making a conscious effort to be thankful. That is really helping me to put some things in perspective. Today I am thankful for family. Not just my own, but families everywhere that stick up for each other and help each other through hard times and help make this world a better place.

April 1. Today I am thankful for literaturelover and husband. They let me borrow their daughter so I could van shop in peace! Thank you for dinner also!

Today (3/31 Fri.) I am thankful for Angela. She let us invite ourselves over and fed us dinner. And I am thankful for Todd, he watched the kids so we could go get Starbucks. Thank YOUs!!