The PINK Commander!!: May 2006

Today...

I am thankful for the church. As I read over my last few blogs I realize that they sound very critical and unhappy. I don't mean for them to sound like that at all. I think our church is great. I think we have an unbelievable number of people who are actually and truly devoted to Christ and showing others His love. I am blessed to be a part of this and thank God for it.

The past week.

Most of you know about all this but I really need to get it all out, again. A week ago today my sister-in-law lost her baby. She was almost 12 weeks along and it was her first. I am heart-broken for her. I cannot imagine the sadness she must be feeling. She's trying to act like it's no big deal. She doesn't want anyone to see how upset she is. She's always been like that. I really want her to know that it's okay to be sad. When I told her I was sorry and hugged her for the first time after she found out she said, "It's okay, it's just one of those things." It's not just one of those things. You were a mommy and excited to be one and now all of a sudden you're not. I didn't say all that because I didn't want to upset her. Another reason this is so sad for me in particular is that I feel terrible about the attitude everyone had about this baby (and its daddy) to begin with (me included). The good thing is that nobody ever voiced a negative word to Sis but we all felt them and had them in our hearts. I know that we didn't cause this, but I still feel some guilt about it. Through this heartbreak I have seen a side of her fiance that I can respect. He's been wonderful to her.

The other thing that is still in my head that I want to get out again is that Tuesday when I took little girl to gymnastics I found out that one of the other little girls in her group died last week. She was three. She had a tummy ache and went to the Dr. and was going to go back to the Dr. for more tests in the morning and died that night. That is all of the story I got Tues. morning from the other parent who knows her family and goes to church with her. Later that night I was telling my Grammy about it and she knows the Dr. who treated her. The rest of the story is that the little girl had a bladder infection a couple of weeks ago and the parents didn't fill the prescription for antibiotics. So the infection spread to her heart. That may not have been the cause of death. Her liver and heart were enlarged and the liver made it seem like maybe she had hepatitis. But the parents don't want to know why she died so there will be no further tests or an autopsy. I just keep thinking "How would you recover from that?" They also have a 5 year old boy. How do you tell your son that his sister is never coming back? I can't imagine having to live through something like that. I hope I never have to find out how to survive heartbreak like that.

So, there are two families to keep in our prayers tonight.

Callings Continued...

Another thing that's bothering me is the idea of a mentor. What is a mentor? Who decides which person in a relationship is the mentor? And isn't there a verse somewhere in that Bible thingy about older women teaching younger women? Does that really mean "older" or does it mean women that have experienced pieces of life that other women have not yet been through? Maybe we should all be mentoring each other. I think a problem common in women is not valuing or even being aware of the power we hold. There is a separation of "married w/chilren" and "not married w/out children" in women. I just assume that no single woman wants to hang out with me and my little rugrats. Why would she want to spend time with me while I corral kids and fold laundry and do dishes and make dinner? Then I remember that I was that girl who wanted nothing more than a woman to show me what to do. The most important woman in my aldult life was a woman who invited me to her house and made me feel like a part of it. The workings of the heart are as deep water, but a man of understanding will draw them out (roughly Prov. 20:5). Kim lived that in every area (as far as I know she still does but she's in VA so I don't go over to her house quite as often as I did). I think some people are better than others at drawing people's hearts out, but I also think it's wise for each of us to be trying. Some of my most spiritually awakening moments were sitting at her table chopping onions to use for dinner, while she chopped or stirred something and just talked with me. She had three kids that she homeschooled and took to soccer and ballet and she still made time for me and that was very powerful to me. I knew that I could call her for anything, anytime. I could just call and ask if I could come over for no good reason, there wasn't a crisis, but I knew I was always welcome and she never made me feel like a burden. She just incorporated me into her life, and I wasn't the only one. Anyway, back to one of the problems...we are never going to teach or mentor women who need us if we feel that we have nothing to offer, so we need to wake up to and become aware of all that we have to offer. We are all Spiritual mothers meant to be nurturing others' souls (not forgetting our own of course).

Today I am thankful for my mind, which God has been working in all night and all morning, so far.

9 days!

I get to see my Man again for a week. Yes, the kids get to see him too. I am so excited, at the same time I am already sad because this means he's about to be gone, I mean really gone. I won't be able to talk to him on the phone every night. I won't be able to call him in the middle of a really bad day and have him talk to the kids and make them "act right". I just miss him so much already. I know God uses these times to grow me in Him. I always come out stronger on the other side. I look back at every hard time I've gone through in life and can see a way God has used it, whether for me specifically or for someone I know. I know that I go through things to broaden my scope and to widen my experiences to be better prepared to share with and connect to others, but those thoughts really don't make missing my husband and playing single mom any easier. I suppose they should make it easier. I should be rejoicing during my trials. I have a hard time believing that's possible, truly. I do my best to get through everyday in a way that honors God and I like to think of who He is throughout the day and how He may be using me, but I still miss my Man. Thoughts of worship and sacrifice don't fill the gap that missing him has left, but they do help me remember that there is a reason and sometimes that is what gets me through a hard day. There is a purpose beyond what I can see now.

Callings.

Wow. I have a lot on my mind tonight. How do you know what you are supposed to be doing? How do you know what of your pursuits are of God or selfishness? Is it possible that even a selfish pursuit can ultimately end up glorifying God? I want and love to be available to people. I truly believe that my strongest gift is hospitality. I love getting to know new people. I enjoy cooking for and talking with people. Right now I feel like I am not allowed to do that because my Man is gone. It's not because of anything he or anyone else has said, it's just a little weird for me. I can't explain why. Half of me is gone, at least one third. I have not been exercising my gift, at all. I am feeling especially convicted of that tonight. There are some new ministry opportunities coming up both in and outside the church and I'm not sure what to get involved in. I have my kids and my family that I invest so much in. I love school and right now I am really struggling with whether or not that is a selfish love. I don't necessarily go to school with God in mind. I don't really think it will make me more capable of communicating with people. But I really like it, I enjoy it and I want to go. Both the kids will be in school this fall and I'm looking forward to the fact that I can go to class and do homework during the day and spend every afternoon and night with my kids. The more I think and pray about things the more I think that I'm not supposed to get involved in the cell group forming. I think I'm supposed to be raising my kids and exercising my most prominate gift. There are people in the church that are feeling neglected and disconnected and I need to be connecting. I love connecting. How are we as a church going to go out and make connections if we're not even connected with each other? I feel like I'm talking about a dot-to-dot, I guess in a way I am. I would appreciate prayer on these matters. I need to know who needs me and in what way I can be useful.